What I Am Is What I Am

Season 1, Episode 2: What I Am Is What I Am

Episode Guide

"A resume. It tells a story. School, job, hobbies. It's a snapshot of whom you are."

Erica narrates while she and Judith work on her resume on the computer. They try and decide what to put up highest to make the best impression, eventually going with Erica's masters degree.

"And, at the end of the day, it all comes down to the choices we've made."

Erica, looking at her completed resume, can hardly believe how empty it is after ten years. However, Judith tries to cheer her up saying she's looked up lots of potential jobs for Erica.

Flicking through the research, Erica's attention is caught by publishing. Judith says she's found a dozen jobs in publishing for Erica as she knows she "loves books."

Erica, excited at the thought of being involved in publishing, invites Judith round for the evening and tells her that their friend Ethan is coming in from Montreal.

She suggests they open a bottle of wine and all catch-up before remembering that Judith is pregnant. We learn she is still in her first trimester and hasn't told anyone else so far.

Erica then leaves to go around various places and hand in her resume.

"Choices. Look close enough, and you can see them everywhere. But what do you do when you see your life as a series of bad choices? When you would give anything to have made different ones?

"The question is, if you could go back and do it all differently would you still be you?"

Walking into one building, Erica finds herself so lost in awe that, walking backwards, she bumps into someone and drops her resume on the floor. After picking it up, she hands it in and says she is applying for the position of assistant to the managing editor.

Just as she's about to leave, she recognises an old college adversary coming towards her. Despite her best efforts not to be seen though, she is spotted and finds out who she knew as Antigone Kim is now Antigone Morris - who shows off her expensive wedding ring.

Erica finds out that Antigone is the head of the fiction division at the publishing company she has just applied to work at. The pair recall the feisty debates they used to have at college over literature.

Trying to make small talk, although clearly not wanting to be there, Erica jokes that sometimes it's just nice to read a book just for reading. "Not if you want to be an editor," fires back Antigone.

Antigone, prompted by Erica, then explains that she has climbed her way so high thanks to Literati - an influential group - who Erica had once had the chance to join.

Her boss had also been a member and had helped her out, she explains, and she talks of the advantages of having friends in high places. Erica nods along - although clearly not fortunate enough to have the same kind of contacts.

Antigone then finds out Erica has applied to be her assistant, but informs Erica, who tries to hide her disappointment, that the position has already been filled by a young masters graduate.

Erica correctly assumes that it is another member of Literati, and Antigone, with no attempt to disguise her smugness, proclaims that: "We are the sum of our decisions, aren't we? As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."

She and Erica then part ways, although she tosses away Erica's resume as she goes. Erica is still angry at the way Antigone spoke to her as she's driving home, but her attention is then drawn to Dr. Tom - who is walking on the sidewalk.

She tries to call out to him, but takes her eyes off the road in front of her and has to swerve to avoid hitting into the back of another car. Her car ends up on top of a couple of newspaper stands.

At her Mom's house, Erica and her Mom are discussing what to do with her car while her Uncle Ruby helps Sam - who is trying on her wedding dress in front of the mirror.

Erica's Mom bemoans that all of Erica's job-hunting proved fruitless, which leads to Uncle Ruby suggesting Erica come work for him at his wedding dress company - White Dreams.

Erica says she knows nothing about weddings and it would only be temporary if she did. Ruby says that's fine.

Erica returns home to find Ethan sitting outside her door surrounded by luggage. Earlier, he receives a phone call from someone called Claire which he, eventually, decides not to answer.

Erica apologises for being late - although Ethan acknowledges this is typical of her. She notices all his luggage and jokes about him moving in.

They open a bottle a wine and start to reminisce about their college days together. Erica tells him about her new job at White Dreams. He picks up on her lack of enthusiasm though and says he thinks she think she's making a mistake.

Erica turns the conversation back onto him - challenging Ethan about all his luggage. He admits that he has left Claire, his wife, after she cheated on him. He has also left Montreal, despite having nowhere to live. Erica vows to help him out.

The next morning, Erica is making her way into White Dreams - although not before bumping into a locked door. Inside, Uncle Ruby explains what Erica's job will entail - showing her to the cubicle where she will be working, or, as he refers to it, "her domain."

Erica looks depressed at that description, and her mood isn't improved when Ruby gives her a binder full of wedding dresses which he tells her she needs to swat up on.

After flicking through a few images - including scoffing at one entitled 'Virgin Queen', Erica heads to the washroom - passing a lady on the way with some toilet paper stuck to her shoe.

Erica pushes the door to the washroom but, on entering, finds herself stepping into the office of Dr. Tom. She shrieks in surprise, he wishes her good morning. Confused, she asks him what's going on and why she isn't in the girls' washroom.

She pokes her head back out of the door to see the same corridor of White Dreams outside. Panicking, she shuts the door. Dr. Tom asks her if she's now got that "out of her system" and invites her to sit down.

Erica resists and, instead, tells him she has been looking for him and has a million questions to ask. She wants him to explain why he sent her back in time and why he chose her.

"The use of travelling is to regulate imagination by reality. And instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are," he quotes to her.

Picking up Erica's list of regrets, he asks her to explain number seven on it. However, Erica still wants to know why he picked her. "Why not you," he replies, "Is your life so insignificant?"

Erica persists with her questioning, but Dr. Tom tells her that they made a contract and that it will only work if she trusts him. She concedes that she does, but she says that he must realise that Leo is her number one regret and begs him to send her back in time to warn him.

Despite sensing her pain, he tells Erica that she can't go back in time to warn him or to fix other people's mistakes. Not to win the lottery, bet on the winner of the Stanley Cup, and not to save her brother's life. Erica looks broken.

He says the therapy is just about her list and her regrets and asks her again to explain number seven on the list - "secret society."

Erica agrees to play ball and, sitting down, explains that it occurred in 1995 - during her second year of college. She tells him how she used to think she knew everything and would often get into confrontational arguments in literature class with Antigone.

Her passion for literature had seen her tapped up to join Literati when, one day after class, she had been passed a note telling her to come to the graveyard at midnight and to bring a dress with her.

Erica says she was flattered to be asked, however, she was put off by the initiation ceremony where she and Antigone, who had also been invited, were instructed to verbally attack each other.

Uncomfortable doing such a thing, she says her gut told her to leave, so she did. She tells Dr. Tom it was a short sighted decision.

"We are the sum of our decisions and as long as you're happy that's all that matters," he replies, noting they were the words of Antigone Morris from her and Erica's recent conversation.

Erica sighs, and admits that she isn't happy. She says she should have joined, and points to Antigone for the privileges membership could have brought her.

She says if she could do it over, she would join Literati, do their "silly" initiation, and get on the right path. The path she should have been on all along, she states.

Dr. Tom fixes his gaze on her and she begins to spin around and, sure enough, has been transported back to 1995. Erica, holding a placard, finds herself in the middle of a student protest against tuition fees.

One girl, holding a megaphone, seems to be leading the rally. Ethan is also there, standing next to the girl who we realise is Claire. Erica, surprised at where she finds herself, grabs Ethan's attention, and he manages to lead her away and out from the rally.

Walking away after the protest, Erica, Ethan, and Claire are talking, with Claire saying the police can arrest the body but never chain the spirit. She kisses Ethan and goes off to class, with Ethan remarking to Erica about how incredible Claire is.

"That's one word to describe her," replies Erica, knowing full well of Claire's future infidelity. Ethan then tells Erica about Claire's wealthy background, which she likes to keep hidden, and tells Erica to keep it a secret. Judith then joins the pair as they head for class together.

Waiting for class to begin, there's an awkward moment for Erica when she admits to having completely forgotten about an event Judith recalls, despite it having occurred just two years earlier. Ethan remarks that Erica has been forgetting things all day.

Then, Antigone walks in and refers to Erica and her friends as "freaks." The class begins, with Professor Breslow - or Bristow as Erica mistakenly calls him - asking Erica to pick up from their previous discussion on 'Ulysses'.

When she struggles to, Antigone jumps in, and patronises Erica when giving her interpretation. Erica doesn't take kindly to her tone. After the class though, she is once again given an invite to the Literati initiation at the graveyard at midnight.

That night, Erica makes her way to the graveyard and Antigone attempts to psyche Erica out. They are once again paired up to verbally attack each other in the first initiation test.

Antigone mocks Erica's background and suggests her family crest is a "20% off coupon." Erica responds, and says she's surprised Antigone even knows what a coupon is. She also remarks that Antigone's silver spoon should be in her mouth, rather than up her ass.

This verbal jousting continues for a while, with Antigone saying Erica is only getting an A in class because she is sleeping with the tutor. Erica fires back that Antigone's A- is down to the same reason.

They then move onto the next challenge - where they are instructed to bury somebody in a coffin alive. Erica hesitates, but eventually begins to shovel earth onto the coffin.

However, the guy inside her coffin begins to shout and scream. Erica is told to continue, but she is clearly uncomfortable with what she is doing. She says that the guy is having a panic attack and tries to check whether he's OK.

She is again told to continue and ignore the cries, but Erica can't continue any more and unlocks the coffin. Antigone, who has also had doubts, does the same. Both of the guys inside start to laugh, Erica is shocked and confused.

They are then told they have actually passed the initiation, and the leader, Barrett Ironside - who had been dressed in Gothic dress - removes his mask and welcomes Erica and Antigone to Literati.

The action moves to a fancy room where a cocktail party is taking place. Erica has changed into the dress she was told to bring with her. Her and Antigone are told that they passed the initiation because they were able to think for themselves.

"Veritas von liberabit," Barrett proclaims, which Antigone gleefully translates as "the truth will set you free." He then goes on to tell them about their publication 'The Punisher.'

Erica refers to it as a "slam paper," but Barrett says it's more than that, and shows them the front page of the next edition - with a picture of Claire on the front. He says that, because of her actions, ten students now have criminal records.

Antigone comments that she never liked Claire, but Barrett instructs Erica, as a friend of Claire's, to dig up dirt on her that can be published. He warns Erica that failure will see her membership revoked, and she is left to digest this news.

The next morning, Erica comes to answer the door and finds Leo calling in to check up on her. She is delighted to see him, even inviting him for breakfast, but he declines.

However, he does presents her with a necklace he made for her. She tells him that he doesn't know how much it means to her. He then leaves, although not before Erica tells him to take more care skateboarding after noticing a graze on his arm.

Erica stops off at a cafe in the students union and finds Dr. Tom working behind the counter. He asks her how her time travel is going, and she tells him about the initiation - describing Barrett, who we learn is now a top Hollywood producer, as "a head case."

She tells him of her instruction to destroy Claire, and Dr. Tom remarks that, "Those who plot the destruction of others often perish in the attempt."

Erica hits back though, saying Claire deserves to be punished for cheating on Ethan in the present day. She says that that is what Antigone would do, and that she needs to be more like her and less like herself if she wants to achieve anything.

Dr. Tom then picks up an egg and says its shape and form makes it incredibly strong. He then starts to tap it with a knife, breaking the shell, and tells Erica that if you begin to chip away at it, it's still an egg, but it's not the same. He leaves Erica to consider this analogy.

Erica then encounters Claire, who appears to be flirting with somebody putting up posters. Claire tells Erica that she's organising an even bigger demonstration, but Erica is in no mood to discuss such things.

Claire proceeds to lecture Erica about the importance of speaking the truth, which Erica responds to by accusing her of behaving inappropriately with the guy sticking up posters.

They argue, with Erica saying Claire is lucky to have Ethan and Claire saying she would never cheat on him. Claire departs, and Erica, knowing what will happen in 2008, is left in disbelief.

At the Literati meeting, Antigone tells Barrett about the gossip she has heard. He then asks Erica what she has managed to find out about Claire. She initially says nothing but then, goaded by Antigone, reveals everything to Barrett.

She tells of Claire LeDuc's real name and of her being the daughter of one of Montreal's most wealthy businessman. Barrett is delighted with Erica's news, but she already begins to wonder whether she has made a mistake.

When 'The Punisher' is published, Erica pretends to Judith that she is surprised with its revelations. She then bumps into a distraught Claire - who is unaware of Erica's part in the story.

She tells Erica she was only trying to do good through her actions and didn't want her background to be a part of it. She says everything that she has worked for has been ruined and leaves. Erica is left feeling very guilty.

Arriving home, she finds Ethan, clearly unhappy, sitting outside her front door. Inside, he lays into Erica, accusing her of turning on Claire and he tells her that she doesn't know the full story.

Erica confesses that she shouldn't have told Literati without knowing everything. Ethan says he doesn't understand Erica's motives and that he doesn't know her anymore.

Erica goes to pay a visit to Barrett and accuses him of really "going to town" on Claire. She says that she had no right to tell them and, sensing their enjoyment in humiliating Claire, tells them she wants no further part in their work and wants to quit.

Barrett warns of her what she will be giving up. Erica tells him she knows full well, but that being part of Literati carries too high a price to pay.

She then makes her way to Claire's demonstration and apologies to her and Ethan. She says she wants to make up for her actions and chains herself, with the others, to the door where the protest is taking place. Ethan and Erica share a glance where he seems to indicate he forgives her.

Erica is then transported back to the present day where, instead of being chained to the door, her watch is caught in the wedding dress binder. She manages to wrestle herself free.

Uncle Ruby notices it and tells Erica that they will go for a liquid lunch shortly. He comments that Erica will soon become his new rock, like Jean, who we discover is the woman who passed Erica in the corridor with the toilet paper on her shoe.
She looks concerned at this vision of her future.

Erica goes to do some photocopying but, when she pushes the door to the copy room, she finds herself back in Dr. Tom's office.

She enquires whether he can give her a warning in future, before sitting down and telling him that she had ended up in exactly the same place as her original regret.

She says she will just have to learn to be happy with what she does have. "As in the cubicle," Dr. Tom suggests, before asking whether Erica really is happy working at White Dreams.

She says she's not, and Dr. Tom tells her that our lives are like a house of cards - some of the cards being cosmetic and some being load-bearing walls. Remove some of the latter - and the house collapses.

Erica remarks that it was the same principle as with the egg Dr. Tom showed her. He tells her that her gut feeling the first time around had been correct and that ignoring her inner voice is not the way to achieve her goals.

He asks her whether the job at White Dreams is the right one for her and she replies that it isn't. Satisfied he has demonstrated to Erica what she now needs to do, Dr. Tom sits back in his chair and begins to read.

Erica leaves Dr. Tom's office through the door and finds herself stepping into Uncle Ruby's office. She tells him that she is quitting because she knows that this isn't what she is supposed to do and, instead, wants to spend time finding out what that is.

He acknowledges that he always knew he wanted to work in the wedding industry and, although disappointed, agrees to let Erica go. She leaves the building smiling and throws away her card key - knowing she won't need it.

Back at Erica's apartment building, her and Ethan are looking around an empty apartment - which we discover is next door to Erica's.

He suggests living next door to one another could be weird, but Erica insists it will be fun and living so close together at college is how they became such good friends. Reassured, Ethan declares that he will move in.

Erica then recalls her brush with Literati and exposing of Claire and asks Ethan if he wishes he'd listened to her back then when she tried to warn him of Claire's deceitful nature. He says no because, even though she has destroyed his life, she was his life for so long.

Just then, Erica gets a call on her cell phone and identifies it as being from River Rock Publishing. She takes the call - where she is invited in for an interview the next week. She dances in joy at her and Ethan's good news.

Summing up, Erica revisits Toronto University - where a present day student demonstration is taking place.

We then see images of Judith looking at baby things, Erica hanging up her necklace from Leo, and her and Ethan moving a couch into his apartment and she concludes that:

"Everyone's got their own path. Some are just beginning. While others end all too soon. However you do it, the fact is, the path you're on, the choices you make, define who you are.

"Choices - they're the building blocks of our lives. They shape our past, present, and future. And, despite all the mistakes I've made, every new day brings with it new choices and a whole new world of possibilities."