The Secret of Now

Season 1, Episode 4: The Secret of Now

Episode Guide

Erica is getting ready in the morning - going through her closet trying to decide what to wear. She narrates:

"First day of a new job. Kind of like a first date with your new career. Will it be love at first sight? Or will it be, 'Thanks for dinner, maybe I'll call you sometime?'"

She changes her mind a few times trying to find the right outfit.

"Stakes are high, so no shortcuts are allowed. Nothing less than perfection will do, cos today could be the most important day of your life."

Just as she's settled on her chosen outfit, she hears a noise and looks up to see the ceiling of her bedroom beginning to crack.

"It could be the day when it all falls into place. Or when it all falls to pieces."

She exits her bedroom but turns around to see the ceiling crumble even more. She leaves her apartment and is just about to walk past Ethan's door when she hears it opening and Ethan steps out into the corridor.

Erica takes a few steps back but realises she isn't going to be able to avoid him. They greet each other, and he comments on today being a big one for Erica.

She tells him how excited she is with it being the first day of her new job, although she mentions the "unintended skylight" in her apartment - referring to the collapsed ceiling.

She says she feels as though a new page is being turned in new life and that Ambrose, her new boss, even asked to read her short stories. Erica realises how much she has been talking and says she does so when nervous, a fact Ethan confirms he knows about her.

Erica tells him she is also nervous after "the thing" they did, referring to their kiss. Ethan is unsure what she means. She explains "the thing we did with our mouths," and says that she had enjoyed it. He concurs, and they agree to talk about it over dinner in the evening.

Ethan says he'll cook, although Erica jokes that he doesn't cook, just heats, and this is something she knows about him.

Out on the city streets, Erica is trying to get a cab - but without much luck. One guy barges past her when she thinks she's found one - knocking off her shoe. She keeps trying but ends up breaking the heel of her shoe in a small hole in the sidewalk. Erica can't believe her bad luck.

Eventually, she arrives at River Rock, emerging from the elevator wearing a pair of flip flops - this sight intrigues two people, a man and a woman, who watch Erica enter the office. The man sarcastically tells her he loves her footwear.

Erica explains about her heel and that she had decided to buy flip flops from a pharmacy rather than wait for a shoe shop to open and arrive late on her first day. The woman suggests Erica hopes this shows her new boss that she is enterprising, rather than desperate.

She introduces herself as Julianne and her male colleague as Brent. Erica says she ought to go and meet with Ambrose, but Julianne, using air quotes, informs her that Ambrose has "moved on to other opportunities."

Erica registers her surprise at this news, with Julianne commenting that Ambrose was surprised, too. Brent says that he has been replaced by the woman who edited The Secret Of Now. Erica jokes that the book sounds like a "cheap knock off" of The Secret.

Julianne is unimpressed with this attempt at humour and soon puts Erica in her place, telling her it one of the best selling self help titles of the year. Feeling sheepish, Erica says she really needs to go and find her new boss. Brent tells her that she's right here, gesturing towards Julianne.

Erica is surprised at this revelation and is interrupted by Julianne as she attempts to stutter an apology. She suggests Erica thought she was too young to be the new editorial director of non fiction and was simply someone else's assistant.

She tells Erica that she didn't get the job because she looks good in a skirt, she earned it - and that if she wants to be part of her team she will have to do the same. She also tells Erica she finds her flip flops to be desperate. Erica looks embarrassed at how bad a first impression she has made.

Erica discovers from Brent that he was Julianne's assistant for over 16 months but she made him a junior editor after her own promotion. He tells Erica that her idea is to keep her enemies close and those who could take her job even closer.

Julianne has a quick meeting with Frank Galvin, who Erica recognises as the editor-in-chief of River Rock. She then shows Erica a copy of The Secret Of Now, telling her it sold over half a million copies last year.

Sitting down, the pair go over Erica's resume. Julianne notes Erica's two degrees in English Literature, but also her lack of experience in publishing. She enquires as to Erica's age, and when she discovers she's 32 tells her she's 27 herself and got her first proof-reading job straight out of high school.

Erica tries to reassure her fears, saying she realises she will have "qualms," but Julianne pounces on her choice of word and says that people who use such words and have two degrees are usually literature snobs - whom she has no time for.

Struggling to convince her that that's not the case, Erica is then shocked to discover that Ambrose has passed on her collection of short stories to Julianne, who describes them as "heavy." Erica protests she hasn't had time to re-write them since university, but Julianne suggests she's had ten years to.

Erica attempts to take her stories back from Julianne, but she insists she will hold onto them - and may even show them to Frank. Erica looks nervous at this. Julianne then calls through Brent to show Erica to the coffee lounge, saying it's time to "send her to school."

On the way there, Erica asks Brent - who comes across very camp and metrosexual - how he survived being her assistant. He jokes through meditation, yoga, and heavy medication. This depresses Erica.

He informs her that they are out of Julianne's preferred organic espresso beans and that she could always use regular beans. Erica is adamant she won't and suggests going to the nearest Starbucks to buy a new bag. Impressed by her dedication, Brent tells her he has a spare bag and will get it for her.

He says Julianne gets angry when her preferred beans aren't used, describing how "hot" she can be and the way her lips curls as being "sexy." Erica is shocked at this admission. Brent then gets a call from Julianne who wishes to see him and leaves Erica for a moment.

We then see that Dr. Tom is sitting at the counter of the coffee lounge drinking an espresso. He wishes Erica good morning and she turns around in amazement to see him sitting there.

She informs him that he can't just barge into a private workplace, to which he replies he waltzed in and compliments the friendliness of the security guard, Phil. Unhappy, Erica tells him he is making her even more anxious than she already is.

Dr. Tom starts to make a note of this in his book, which further infuriates Erica. She asks him not to do so, but he says it's part of his job and asks how else she is feeling. She laments that she is finally somewhere she wants to be but that her new boss is a "passive aggressive bitch face."

Dr. Tom makes special note of this last word, with Erica adding how much people who air quote annoy her. He asks her whether she remembers the bumper stickers that said 'Question authority' and suggests that a better one for her would be 'Question your attitude to authority.'

She asks him what that is supposed to mean. He tells her that she's a smart woman and, using air quotes, says she'll "figure it out." Erica is thoroughly annoyed at him, and as Dr. Tom gets up to leave he informs her that it was he who used up the last of Julianne's coffee beans making himself a doppio espresso and that he hopes that's OK.

Erica tells him to go and talk to his "buddy" Phil, at which point Brent returns. He enquires as to who she was talking to and Erica tells him it was someone from accounting - something Brent disagrees with on the basis of Dr. Tom's cheekbones.

He presents Erica with his emergency bag of Julianne's coffee beans, and she comically asks him, the "sensei," to teach her how to make a latte the way her new boss likes it.

Erica enters with Julianne's latte - she is in the middle of a meeting with an author, Marcus Stahl. He tells her of his surprise of Ambrose's departure and that he hopes he and Julianne can work together on his book.

Julianne tastes Erica's latte and is clearly unimpressed judging by the look on her face. Julianne tells Marcus that she feels his book dwells too much in the past. Informing her it's a memoir, he is unsure as to what she is expecting.

She continues, asking him whether he has heard of The Secret Of Now. He quickly points out the fact she has a framed cover of the book behind her. She quotes from the book in telling him its author, her friend Thomas Friedkin, always says to look to the "present moment."

Stahl is still confused and, sensing Julianne is having trouble getting across her point, Erica jumps in and suggests she is looking for something with a self help angle.

The meeting is quickly concluded, and Julianne instructs Erica to read his book's outline and make some notes. She also delivers a damning verdict on Erica's coffee making skills, describing her latte as "repulsive" and saying she will have to be sent back to latte school. Erica looks crestfallen.

Erica and Judith have arranged to meet up for lunch and are walking to the restaurant. Erica tells Judith all about her task of trying to make something interesting out of Stahl's memoirs. Judith assures Erica that she knows about books and she should unleash her ideas.

Erica admits she has been unleashing already, and tells Judith about her kiss with Ethan. Judith is surprised. Erica says it was very good, but that dating Ethan would be weird and complicated because of his situation with Claire.

Judith suggests that all that matters is whether she could see herself dating someone like Ethan. She admits she doesn't know, but tells Judith that the kiss rated 10,000 out of 10.

Back at River Rock, Erica is pouring the coffee while Julianne chairs a staff meeting. She informs them that the board are looking for an even bigger follow-up to The Secret of Now and that Stahl's book isn't it.

Brent reminds her that they have already paid Stahl a significant advance for writing it, but she is determined to kill the title off quickly - unless anybody has any ideas on how to salvage it.

Nobody can think of anything, until Erica pipes up saying "communications." She explains that Stahl revolutionised the world of digital communications but then became addicted to crack. He managed to beat his addiction and win back his family and business though.

The rest of the team look impressed, and Julianne congratulates Erica, suggesting that, despite her being paid all the money, it's Erica who has all the "fab ideas." Erica looks pleased that her suggestion has been welcomed.

In the restroom afterwards, Erica is applying lipstick in the mirror when she begins to daydream about her kiss with Ethan. She is brought out of it by an angry Julianne who wants to know why Erica embarrassed her in front of the team.

Erica is shocked at this accusation, but Julianne rages that if she doesn't get it together this will be both her first and last day working there. Erica is left stunned at this outburst.

Later, all the staff are gathered in Julianne's office laughing and talking. Brent invites Erica in as Julianne is just about to read an awful story she's received. Brent says this a tradition of hers - making fun of the worst material. Erica laughs uneasily, and Julianne suggests that the author is always kept anonymous.

Julianne looks at Erica, smiles, and begins reading the first sentence - it is the start of one of Erica's short stories. She looks mortified, especially when everyone starts laughing. Erica tries to not let it affect her, but Julianne says she has a story for every day of this week.

Afterwards, Erica is in a cubicle in the restroom crying. She wipes away her tears and goes to the mirror to make herself look presentable again. She tells herself that she is older than Julianne and seems determined not to let her get to her.

She walks back into the office with her head held high and goes straight into Julianne's office - demanding to talk to her for a minute. Julianne tells her she is busy preparing a presentation and can have just 15 seconds.

She begins to count down, but Erica struggles to deal with this and finds herself stuttering and unable to talk until she runs out of seconds and is told to leave.

As she pushes the door out of Julianne's office, she finds herself entering Dr. Tom's office. He is perched on the edge of his desk pouring water into a glass. He asks if she's thirsty. Erica runs up and takes the glass of water, gulping it down quickly.

As she does, he tells her: "You don't miss your water 'til your well runs dry." Erica says her mouth dries up like the Gobi Desert when she's nervous. He pours her another glass, and one for himself, and tells her it's a condition known as cotton mouth, the pasties, or dough mouth.

He continues, telling her in medical terms it's known as xerostomia and is triggered by anxiety, as well as being a common side effect of marijuana inhalation. Erica jokes that perhaps she should get high for work. Dr. Tom counters that Julianne would only probably "harsh her mellow."

He asks her to sit down, but Erica feels she should get back to work. Dr. Tom insists, and Erica agrees - although she doesn't think she needs to root around in her past to discover why a "psychotic boss" makes her tongue-tied.

Dr. Tom wonders whether she is comfortable with confrontation. She disputes whether anybody is. He says Julianne is so good at getting under Erica's skin that she loses the power of speech and asks her if that reminds her of anyone else.

She thinks for a while before suggesting her mom. Dr. Tom smiles at this reply. Erica continues to think before coming up with the name of Lozar. Dr. Tom pushes Erica's list towards her and asks her to tell him more.

Antonin Lozar was an intense lecturer and the dread of every first year creative writing student, she tells him. She says the course was a matter of life and death for her as she loved poetry and was determined to impress him.

Then, she thought she'd written the poem to finally impress him, Snowflakes, about the uniqueness of every soul. Erica says he never liked anything she wrote, but he especially hated Snowflakes and she felt suffocated by his hostile reaction.

She tells Dr. Tom she did what anyone would do - which he correctly suggests was running out. Erica tells him she never returned to the class, failed the course, and has never written anything creative since.

If she could do the regret over again, she says she would look Lozar in the eye and recite every single word of Snowflakes to him. Dr. Tom raises his glass of water to her and says he'll see her on the other side.

Erica tries to stop him sending her back so quickly, saying she needs time to prepare and that she hasn't read the poem in 15 years. "While we are postponing, life speeds by," he retorts. She tries to protest, telling him to "stop with the cold" and shouts for him to press pause.

In doing so, she knocks over her glass of water but then finds herself picking up not a glass, but a cup of coffee that she has knocked over in Lozar's classroom back in 1995. She tries to apologise and blames an allergy for her clumsiness. Lozar tells her to shut up and she sits down.

Ethan is standing at the front of the classroom ready to recite his poem - Your Love Is A Drive-By. Clearly not taking things seriously, his poem is mostly a series of 'ping' noises and Lozar stops him in mid flow saying he has once again brought the class down to the "very sub basement of self expression," and thanks him for it.

However, he tells him that he and his poetry are "shit" and he snaps Ethan's pen - throwing it at the blackboard. Lozar then calls down Erica, who is next. She hesitates, and says she has a problem. He replies he has too - he has to listen to another of her poems - using air quotes for the last word.

This infuriates Erica. He beckons her to the front and, once there, she prepares to read Snowflakes from the sheet of paper in front of her. He takes the paper from her, saying poetry is organic and should be spoken, not read. Lozar proceeds to rip up the paper, scattering the pieces over Erica's head and telling her that these are her snowflakes.

Ethan looks on, unimpressed at this treatment. Her only copy destroyed, Erica perseveres - but struggles to recall her poem. Lozar continually interrupts her, calling for her to give him passion and exclaiming that her words make him "want to die."

Erica is now getting most of the poem wrong and Lozar snaps, walking up the rows of chairs, berating her poetry, until he towers over her. He can sense how full of hatred she is for him at that moment and implores her to show him the pain she is feeling.

Tormented, Erica begins to speak softly, "My loneliness is killing me." He calls on her to be louder. She continues, clearly speaking the lyrics from Britney Spears's Hit Me Baby One More Time.

"I must confess, I still believe. When I'm not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign. Hit me baby one more time!" Encouraged by Lozar's enthusiasm, Erica is now getting into it, and continues with the lyrics, passionately shouting them out.

When she comes to an end, Lozar is jubilant with Erica's passionate performance and she receives a standing ovation from the rest of the class. Erica looks happy at this response.

After class has ended, Lozar is talking with Erica in the corridor, and she tells him that the words just came to her off the top of her head. He tells her that she should call the poem Voice of Flame. She suggests Hit Me Baby One More Time, but he dismisses this title.

He then, much to her astonishment, announces that everyone must come to the Poetry Slam to listen to Erica recite her work. Erica tries, in vain, to protest.

Afterwards, Erica and Ethan are sharing a drink in a bar. He enquires whether he is going to have kick someone's ass after Erica's poem about an abusive guy. She laughs at this suggestion. Claire then comes in and kisses Ethan passionately, making Erica feel uncomfortable.

They tell her they are celebrating Erica's poetry success. Claire asks Ethan to go and get her some cigarettes because she's run out, and she sits down to talk to Erica. She asks her whether she has anyone special in her life.

Erica checks with her that it's April '95 - something which confuses Claire - and Erica quickly realises how silly that comment must have sounded.

Erica confirms she doesn't have a boyfriend but tells Claire of an old, old friend who Claire correctly anticipates Erica has recently felt a spark with but is still unsure.

Claire, who is now smoking despite saying she was out of cigarettes, goes on to explain she never had any doubts with Ethan - telling Erica she went straight for him and now he's hers.

She says to Erica that some things are not meant to be and that she'll find "her Ethan" some day. Erica manages to keep her cool, although she is clearly aware that Claire is trying to warn her off her boyfriend.

Just then, Erica spots Dr. Tom outside the bar walking some dogs. She leaves Claire and runs outside. She eventually manages to catch up with him, and he tells her that he loves dogs because they never pretend to be what they're not.

She realises he is referring to her and asks whether he is upset that she improvised in Lozar's class. He wonders whether she thinks it's appropriate to address one of her life regrets through plagiary. She jokes that she knows her Britney and that that song won't be coming out for years.

Dr. Tom is unimpressed by her flippancy and tells her that she came back to do something specific. Erica defends herself, explaining that she wanted to stand up to Lozar but he had ripped up her only copy of Snowflakes and she can't remember it.

"Defeatism is the wretchedest of all policies," he tells her. She protests that she isn't being defeatist, and asks why it's so important that she reads Snowflakes. Dr. Tom stares back at her without responding. Frustrated, she enquires whether he will ever answer a direct question.

He answers that maybe he will or maybe he won't, before adding, "Oops, I did it again." Reminding Erica that these are the words of Britney Spears, too. He walks away whistling, leaving Erica wondering what to do.

She resolves to spend time trying to reconstruct Snowflakes, but struggles to complete it. Defeated, she returns to her room to find Ethan doing push ups shirtless. He finishes and Erica finds herself admiring his body.

She tells him he's hot, clarifying that she meant sweaty from the workout. He says he better take a shower, and goes to remove his sweat pants. Erica is shocked and turns around, telling him to put some clothes on. He is surprised at her attitude.

They both sit down on her bed with a beer and he asks her what's up with her - because she's been acting differently.

She jokes that she's from the future, before telling him that she's stuck because she can't, but must, remember Snowflakes, although she doesn't know why it's so important to remember it.

To her surprise, Ethan begins to recite the last few lines. She kisses him on the cheek and wonders how he remembered. He tells her that she read him the poem a couple of days ago, and that the words to this one were special.

He tells her that it doesn't matter if Lozar doesn't like it, she doesn't need to impress him - it's that simple. She realises he's right, and tells him Claire has no idea how lucky she is before looking at him longingly. He breaks this moment by going for a shower.

Later that evening, Erica and Ethan are at the Poetry Slam where a man on the microphone on stage announces Erica will be first up to read Voice of Flame. Lozar speaks to Erica before she goes on stage, telling her she used to be a "boring school girl" writing "pretentious vomit," but now she needs to show the real Erica Strange.

She states that's exactly what she intends on doing. Erica takes to the stage and informs everyone that there's been a change of plans - she's going to read Snowflakes instead. Lozar looks unimpressed at this revelation.

She begins to recite it - and is applauded at the end. Lozar comes up to her and is angry that she read something different. She tells him she did it because that's all she had, and that she doesn't have to impress him - jabbing her finger into his chest to make her point.

He tries to calm Erica down, saying people just wanted to hear Voice of Flame. She replies that they'll have to wait four years to. He walks away frustrated. Erica comes off stage looking pleased with herself and Ethan watches her proudly.

Suddenly, she is transported back to the present day where she finds herself overpouring a glass of water during Julianne's presentation. She shrieks in surprise when she realises what she's done and goes to mop up the overspill. Her embarrassment is all too evident.

Julianne continues with her presentation saying that, despite having had reservations, she's now excited about Stahl's memoirs. Passing off Erica's thoughts from the earlier board meeting as her own, she outlines her vision for the book.

Frank says he's impressed and that Julianne has "done it again." She looks relieved and everyone applauds, including Erica - overenthusiastically. Erica then tells Julianne she has got a call from the Vancouver office and they both go into her office where Erica admits there is no call and she just wants to talk to Julianne.

Erica protests that she doesn't like the way Julianne treats her, talks to her, or her mocking of Erica's short stories. She also says that Julianne stole her ideas and she won't accept it. Julianne responds that, if that's the case, then she accepts Erica's resignation and tells her she's fired - leaving Erica speechless again.

Later, Erica is packing up her belongings and getting ready to leave. Brent comes up to her and says he's going to miss her. However, her leaving now allows him to ask her out. She is confused, believing Brent to be gay, and wants to clarify that he means a date.

He misinterprets her confusion as her trying to tell him she already has a boyfriend. She says that her and Ethan are "in transition." Erica tries to explain that she thought he wasn't straight, but he jumps in, and presumes Erica thought he already had a girlfriend.

He corrects her, saying he likes to play the field before telling her to call him - accompanied by an elaborate phone gesture. Not for the first time that day, Erica is left utterly bemused by a conversation.

She is just about to leave the office when she overhears Frank and Julianne discussing Stahl's memoirs. Frank is concerned with Julianne's vague ideas for how the book will be framed.

Spotting Erica, Julianne calls out to her and says she was in the meeting and was making notes.

Intrigued that Julianne is now pleading for her help, Erica considers what to do for a short time before explaining how Julianne wants the book to begin. Frank is impressed with her idea - and Julianne looks relieved.

Julianne then calls Erica into her office and congratulates her for earning her place in her team. Erica says she may not want the job anymore and that she bailed Julianne out because she cares about the book, not her.

This doesn't bother Julianne, who says she'll see her tomorrow. However, Erica is still unhappy that her she stole her ideas. Julianne tells her that she doesn't get how it works - that business is like a team game and everyone shares in the glory.

She warns Erica that she can either stand on the sidelines or play. Erica agrees to, but only if Julianne returns her short stories, which she accepts.

Erica pushes the button for the elevator and smiles to herself as she waits for the doors to open. When they do, she finds them revealing Dr. Tom, perched on the edge of his office desk, reading. She walks in and takes a seat at his request.

He asks her whether she has big plans for the evening. Erica says she'll just be hanging with Ethan, however, Dr. Tom says her look of nervous excitement suggests tonight is more than that.

Erica says she has been thinking and has decided to take a leap and enter into a relationship with Ethan. She says it could be great, or a disaster, or amazing. Dr. Tom considers this silently, which unnerves Erica.

He tells her that her new confidence is something to behold - she recited the poem from her heart, stood up to Julianne, and now is taking a leap into love with Ethan. She agrees that she is pretty amazing.

Now sitting down opposite her he states: "Courage is not the towering oak which sees storms comes and go; it is the fragile blossom which opens in the snow." Erica nods - understanding what he means. She stands up to leave and thanks him. He wishes her good night and she departs.

Having picked up a bottle of wine, Erica walks home and narrates:

"Seems most of the time we walk around with the world on mute but, when you're on the cusp of something dramatic and maybe life changing, it's like a filter comes off and suddenly everything comes alive, and even the smallest moment is imbued with the magic of possibility."

She walks past a man carrying a bouquet of flowers and a mother and her young daughter - who smiles at Erica. She arrives back home, outside her apartment building.

"And you think this is the night when you drop your mask and reveal your true self. This is the night when everything is re-written."

Inside, she knocks on Ethan's door, which is ajar, and calls his name. She enters and he shouts that he'll be out in a minute. He emerges, but seems to have been crying. Erica shows him the bottle of wine she's brought.

He asks her whether they're celebrating, and she tells him she's feeling great and is ready to have their talk. Erica detects that something is up with Ethan and asks him if everything is ok. He can't help but subconsciously glance at a piece of paper on a table behind Erica.

She goes to retrieve it and discovers he has been serviced with a divorce petition from Claire. Ethan tells her he knew it was coming and that his marriage is over, but seeing the papers makes it seem so final.

He tries to put on a brave face and keep his cool and goes to look for a corkscrew to open Erica's bottle of wine. However, he gets angry when he can't find one. Erica goes over to comfort him and tells him that she's there for him.

Ethan tells her he's glad as he really needs a friend right now. She tells him she's not going anywhere and they hug one another tightly with her reassuring him that everything is going to be OK.